20 Years Chasing The Wrong Dream

What Is Holding You Back?

In December of 2005, I published a blog article titled, "What Is Holding You Back?" The post was a brief discussion about what keeps us from achieving our dreams. I guess I didn’t put two and two together back then, or did I?

Born To Create

The longer I pursue my dream of becoming a published author, the more I realize how long I have wanted to publish a book. I did not have a book idea in 2005, but I knew I wanted to be an author. I dabbled in writing, not knowing precisely what it meant or that I should intentionally pursue writing as a career. It was just something I did to create.

Chasing The Wrong Dream

For over 20 years, I pursued a career as a software developer. At times I left to pursue other jobs because I could not find work in programming or wanted something new. Other times I would doubt myself thinking maybe I got it wrong. Perhaps I wasn’t supposed to be a programmer for the rest of my life.

Heeding The Cues

At no point in the first 15 years of pursuing a career as a software developer did it dawn on me that I am a writer. Looking back at this journey, I see signs all over the place. I see cues that writing was as much a part of me as my brown eyes or hair. So why did I not see it?

I see places in my past writing where some part of me knew I was a writer. So why did that part of me not tell the rest of my brain? How can one part of your brain know something and not share it with the rest of your brain? This has left me with so many questions.

Feelings Of Loss

A large part of me gets stuck on grieving the loss. A piece of me feels robbed of the opportunity to pursue writing intentionally for the previous 20 years. I often wonder where I would be if I only realized my calling earlier.

These feelings of loss create this sense of urgency to make up for the past 20 years. I feel incredibly behind. I wonder if this is on purpose?

Dealing With Big Questions

Maybe I will never know the answer to those questions on this side of eternity. What I do know is that I was created to write. Armed with my purpose, I am responsible for the good works God created for me in advance. It is time to step onto the track God has placed before me.

This includes a lot of uncomfortable feelings. It means publishing when I am not sure a piece is ready. If I knew for certain, this would not be art. I am sure Seth Godin said this somewhere, but I do not know where.

The important thing is for me to continue publishing. Keep moving forward, listening for God’s nudges.


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